10/29/2023 - You’re probably thinking about confidence wrong

Author Lisa Sun has come up with eight different types of strengths that underpin confidence.
https://www.fastcompany.com/90952003/youre-probably-thinking-about-confidence-wrong

BY STEPHANIE VOZZA
For the first third of her career as a fashion entrepreneur and McKinsey & Company consultant, Lisa Sun was told she needed to be more confident. Confidence, however, can be ambiguous. Traditional advice often tries to put people into a mold that can feel inauthentic.

“We’re taught that confidence is speaking up, being interested in other people, and learning their names,” says Sun, author of Gravitas: The 8 Strengths That Redefine Confidence. “It’s puffing up your chest to be assertive. It’s very behavioral.”

Sun couldn’t relate to that type of confidence. Her perspective on confidence changed in 2013, when Janet Yellen was nominated to be the first female head of the Federal Reserve.

“A lot of columnists suggested that she didn’t the gravitas to lead the Fed,” says Sun. “Ezra Klein at the Washington Post wrote an op-ed that said, Why doesn’t she have gravitas? He wrote about how the pervasive view of gravitas didn’t stretch to include her. She’s soft spoken, more collaborative and compassionate. Why is it only the traits of being assertive and speaking up are labeled as confidence?”

If you look up the word “confidence” in the Oxford English Dictionary, it has nothing to do with swagger or performance or bravado, says Sun. “It’s an understanding and appreciation of your own talents and abilities,” she says. “We’re born fully self-confident. A five-year-old is the most confident person. The monologue that goes through their mind is that they’re incredibly capable.”

As adults, however, we’ve experienced setbacks and disappointment, and it becomes hard for us to estimate our own talents and abilities. “Without that [knowledge], you can’t truly be confident,” says Sun. “You’re just acting.”

DEFINING YOUR AREAS OF CONFIDENCE
Sun argues that we need to broaden the definition of confidence and recognize that we all are confident in certain ways. She identified eight “confidence languages“, which are areas of strength that underpin confidence.

• Leading: You can set strategic direction. You inspire followership, and you’re seen as being in charge. You enjoy leading meetings and have been told you are a great coach. “This is a very classic form of gravitas,” says Sun. “It’s what you think of CEOs having.”
• Performing: This expression of gravitas is public-facing. You’re extroverted and enjoy the energy of other people. You enjoy meeting new people and want to be liked. You also enjoy being the center of attention.
• Achieving: You set goals and you work hard to achieve or exceed them. You don’t accept failure, and you operate at a level of high quality and high excellence because you believe practice makes perfect. “This is a winner’s mindset,” she says. “A lot of athletes might have this quality.”
• Giving: You feel responsible for others’ success or happiness. You are highly supportive, nurturing, and cooperative. You enjoy helping others with no expectation of return. You’re also a good listener, and people often come to you to vent or for advice.
• Knowing: You are the most well-researched, thoughtful, and often the smartest person in the room. You live by the motto “knowledge is power.” “When you’re building Ikea furniture, you read the instruction manual first and there are no screws left at the end,” says Sun.
• Creating: You are good at coming up with ideas. You believe in things before you can see them. You like to think about what the future will look like. You understand the power of vision and work hard to make yours a reality.
• Believing: You have practical optimism and see positive intent in other people and situations. If things don’t work out, you believe there’s a reason that has put you on another path. Sun calls this the Ted Lasso effect. “His character at many times was underestimated because he didn’t fit that typical coach protocol,” she says. “But it was the infusion of optimism and belief that inspired people to follow.”
• Self-sustaining: You like yourself and don’t tie your self-worth to external metrics or validation. This confidence language is what you most need to handle criticism without spiraling. “You see criticism not as a stick of dynamite but as a gift and you can sift through not taking it personally,” says Sun.

THREE WAYS TO USE YOUR ‘LANGUAGES‘
Each language is equal and valid, and there are different situations where you want might want to lean on them. To use your confidence languages, the first step is to own them.

“Connect your confidence language to concrete moments in your life where you felt very successful,” suggests Sun.

Sun compares the process to the Pixar movie Inside Out. The main character Riley is shaped by core memories that were formed when she was young. “Pick a couple of core memories and run the playback tape on them,” says Sun. “Remind yourself that you created important markers in your life, not by chance, but because of the strength of your confidence language.”

The second step is knowing which language you need in certain situations. If you have a task to accomplish, you can lean into the confidence language that can help. For example, if you need to sell someone on a new plan, you can use performing. Or if you want to ask for a raise, channel self-supporting.

If the language is one you don’t have, Sun says you can pretend in the moment. If it’s something you don’t have and it can be a sticking point for your career, Sun suggests that you find mentors who can help you become better at it.

The third way to use confidence languages is to start to see recognizing and valuing then in other people. Sun suggests that leaders use the types to coach their teams. For example, if you want an employee to improve their speaking skills during a meeting, you might suggest that they be more performing.

“We can create dimension and more specificity around feedback and be more competent,” says Sun.

You don’t need all eight confidence languages, says Sun. “It’s not like Pokemon where you have to collect them all.”

Confidence languages can grow and change as you evolve. The key is to reset the standard for what it means to be confident, says Sun. “For too long, we’ve been with that a single version of it, which is behavioral,” she says. “It’s framed mostly by the male leadership we have seen for hundreds of years. Having a new vocabulary through which we can see other people’s talents and appreciate our own talents can be powerful.”